Thursday, July 22, 2004

Bush Receives Final 9/11 Report

Washington D.C. - President Bush accepted a substantially edited copy of the 9/11 Commission's report in a Rose Garden Ceremony this morning from the Commission's co-chairs, Thomas H. Kean and Lee H. Hamilton. The report, resized from the original 8.5" x 11" size to the proportions of a small paperback, was rewritten, consolidated and summarized for the President. The 700+ page document was reduced to approximately 7 pages of text and, reportedly, 10 pages of photographs and illustrations.

Said Hamilton, "We know the president doesn't read and that he usually only glances at his Presidential Daily Briefs, so we thought we'd make it easy for him." Kean agreed, noting "We think the pictures will really help drive home our points. We borrowed several illustrations from Dr. Seuss because of their simplicity and directness." A White House source, who asked not to be named, also said that even a couple of illustrations from "My Pet Goat" made the cut. "We knew he was familiar with the story and so the illustrations wouldn't be too intimidating," said the source.

Walking back into the White House, President Bush was asked if he'd actually read the full report. Looking momentarily confused, Bush quickly recovered and, holding the Readers Digest version aloft, said "I'll have Condi and Dick summarize this for me in the morning." He disappeared inside before any further questions could be asked.

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